Something unfortunate happened to me a few weeks ago. It was like walking along in a beautiful forest and then all of a sudden stepping into a noose and ending up dangling upside down by my ankles, tangled up in a net. As a new mama, i am amongst the vulnerable, prey to these subtle and luring traps. If i see an article, hear a suggestion, or read a headline about parenting at the wrong moment… BAM! Up i go! It’s full on hook, line, and sinker.
From one seemingly innocuous thing to the next, i slowly downward spiraled into a heady mess of insecurity and second guessing. I found myself in the gutter, the place where i am prime meat for the ruthless vultures of my self doubt, fear, and insecurity. I lost my center of gravity and with that, migrated up and out of my heart-body and into my mental, chatty head. It was awful! Not only was i missing the pleasure of full presence with Veda, but i was torturing myself trying to figure out what Rudolph Steiner would say about how i was raising her. Yeah, i know. Insane. Let me explain. This head trip i went on was catalyzed as i began to question whether or not Veda got enough time to “just be”, as in lay around all by herself without my connection or contact. It all began because i read an article that said this is important for babies, which should have been a signpost for disaster ahead because our society is always coming up with new ways to sell mamas stuff that our babies don’t really need, and to make our babies “geniuses” as though Fischer Price knows better then Mother Nature. Anywho, the article sited a popular infant education process and because one of the mentioned facilitators of this process likened aspects of it to aspects of the Waldorf School method, i went into a tail spin. Waldorf schooling is a path i really love and resonate with, one that we plan to provide for Veda in her life. And Rudolph Steiner’s teachings on human development echo deep truth within me. So somehow, the disparate connection that was made in this article made me question whether or not my natural attachment practices were somehow contrary to the developmental teachings of Rudolph Steiner. Basically, i fed this online article to my fear, insecurity and neurosis and allowed it to, temporarily, completely dismantle my instincts. If you’re a new mama i know you must worry about the most neurotic and insane things too. Right? Don’t you? Sometimes i worry that if i leave Veda for too long she will forget who i am, or that if i am in a funky mood one day it could traumatize her for life.
In this frenzied state i was turned upside down. I wouldn’t say i “lost my mind” so much as i lost my heart connection. To be honest, i was a bit too much mind for my taste! I became so wrapped up in this fear driven debate in my mind that it was as though i bore a black whole into my psyche and just began tumbling down the rabbit hole of my subconscious passing by varying levels of fear, guilt and confusion along the way. Thankfully, i eventually began to notice that that i was on a bad trip, and with that awareness i was able to send in a few rescue workers to recover me from this cave of neurosis. The rescue workers were compassion, humor, and most importantly, connection with other like-minded mamas who reminded me that all i need to do when the outside world muddies up my inner convictions is look into the animal kingdom. Do lions, tigers and bears worry about breast feeding too long, attaching too much, or providing their cubbies with enough tummy time? Nope. Surely, they do not!
Bringing myself back to the primal heart of being Veda’s mama was all it took to sober me up and remind me that my heart, soul, and gut are all the mothering tools i need. Well, that, and some good homeopathic teething tablets for when the going gets really tough.
CONSCIOUS MAMAS 
You are perfect and you have all of the tools and More MamaJess! Keep Up!!
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Another wonderful post. I have felt the same way at times. I broke down right before Blake’s first birthday as she’s at the point where sometimes shed rather crawl around or cruise along the furniture and walls as opposed to being held. I longed for the past year and all the moments I didn’t hold her. I let, much like you did the other day, articles and people’s opinions creep in, after the anxiety and out of control feeling became too much I took a deep breath actually yelled STOP and thought rationally lol. The fact of the matter is as long as mammas are flooded with theories and findings etc etc we will always second guess ourselves from time to time. At the end of the day babies are their own little people with likes and dislikes different from all their baby friends. You held your baby when you wanted to and she needed it. I’m sure if Veda was wanting some space you felt that and gave it to her and watched her from ur side of the bed or wherever you were. The umbilical cord may be gone but we’re still connected and will be forever! You know what’s best! All that being said I love your honesty, as I look to you as a mama who is very aware of herself and baby, to see that even the fiercest mama bear can sometimes fall prey to public opinion or mass media and even get a little hysterical over it makes me feel not so alone and crazy LOL! Keep doin what you’re doin 🙂
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@Siri Rishi – Thank you! xx
@Megan – Thanks for sharing this! None of us are alone. It’s so important to have other mamas contributing their own experiences so we can really see ourselves in the mirror of one another. I’m just glad that there are a people, aside from my mom and mother-in-law, who are enjoying the blog!! 🙂
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I love your blog!!! I was literally on the floor next to Dylan’s crib last night deciding whether or not to pick her up, letting all the articles and books win until I remembered that no one knows my baby like I do! We know what’s best for our babies and sometimes we need a little reminder of that. Thanks for your post!
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Good for you, Heidi! We all need to be reminded to trust ourselves.. but also to have faith in our babies and their ability to develop and mature naturally. As mama, you know best! You knew standing over that crib that her cries were tugging at you because they are meant to. Mothers know best, including Mother Nature herself. Thanks for sharing and for being such a devoted mama!
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