The snow is falling outside my window. It’s a bit early in the season, but still, it is winter again and this marks about a year since my baby (almost toddler!) was born. It snowed during her first week Earthside and seeing the snow now has triggered a pause in me. I was just tidying up our bedroom, listening to some Native American flute music (vaguely infused with Veda’s delightful babbling which was whirling it’s way from our living room- where she was playing with our newly hired mother’s helper- to my bedroom), when i had this moment of time-realization. For almost the first time in 10 months i have a moment to quietly reflect within myself. It’s good timing because we are rounding out a year on both the sun calendar as well as Veda’s life, and this calls for reflection. We’re almost full circle, and being almost full circle is the best time for reflection.
Where am i (within myself)? Where have i been? Where do i want to go… As a woman, a mother, a family-woman, a wife, a teacher, an artist? Where is Veda at? Where are we heading as a family? What lives in the space between me and my husband? Is there anything that needs to be addressed, cleared, acknowledged, validated? What have i learned this year? What are my intentions moving forward in time and space? And so on… Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Now is the time, as we complete another year, to really assess where we find ourselves so that we can make space for and get clear about where we are going. We are amidst slash within an intense time here on Earth. The subtle terrain is shifting all around us and the cosmic pressure is mounting in a big way. Either you are being pushed by the universe or you are being pushed by the universe. No one is spared right now by the forces that are urging change in us all. We are all at our own evolutionary edges, and i think we all feel it to some degree. I think unconsciously i hired a mother’s helper just so that i could have the time and space to really go within and consciously move through this transitionary process. This time isn’t just about the completion of a calendar year, and it isn’t just about my daughter’s one year cycle either. In my little life those are just the microcosms of what is happening on the larger, universal cosmic scale. (What’s your microcosm at this big time?)
Scaled down a bit, a year really flies by when you are counting weeks as birthdays and watching your own little flower blossom like a time lapse video before you. Happening so fast and yet so slow, all at once. The days and nights can feel eternal, exhaustingly so at times, but the weeks and months just swoosh by with barely a wisp of dust left in its wake. Most mother’s can hardly remember when exactly the first roll over happened or official crawl began, all those moments that you witnessed in a flash of unprecedented presence end up as a mere composite image of the first year. A year of firsts, details unknown. Unless of course you were really on top of things and actually kept a record in that baby book someone got for you. I have surprisingly not sucked at that task. I have some notes jotted. One thing i know with assurance is that Veda began walking just after her 8 month mark. I think we can all agree that that’s a freakishly early time to begin walking. I say this not as a bragging mother. Though i think its pretty cool, i had absolutely nothing to do with it. I’m just stating the facts. Her one-pointed determination has been sort of a sight to see! She has had her eyes on her feet since month one. And with each month that has passed, i have had the pleasure of watching her make one minute discovery after the next, all finally bringing her face to face with gravity and up and onto her feet. It’s been an EPIC JOURNEY to see what she has become in just one year. Rainbow light beaming through her efforts, frustrations and crystalized joy. Walking really brings human babies up to speed with the newborn capacity of most other mammals so it seems as though, in many ways, Veda’s gestation is complete. Today marks a new phase of her growth. Now beyond her basic incarnation into the body, it’s a time of further self mastery and a discovery of her great human will. Hello, Toddler.
But let us not forget that finding our footing and learning to walk upright is something we all continue to do over and over again. For Veda, this is just the beginning of her human life dance. Our metaphorical feet are always in flux and that is why it’s more about dancing then walking. Life is like a constant waltz, a really chaotic waltz with brilliant moments of fluidity, perfection and grace.
With Veda’s toddlerhood also comes mama’s next chapter. After 10 sleepless, sometimes grueling, yet nonetheless joyful months, i have finally relaxed into motherhood. The sleeplessness continues and teething is a nightmare of 3 all crammed into one seemingly tiny queen sized bed. But i can now say that i am pretty at peace with our parenting path. That’s a big shift for me because natural parenting has proven to seem quite unnatural in our modern world. My path of constant contact, cosleeping, exclusive breastfeeding, child-led everything, and on-demand nursing and responsiveness has actually received a lot of unencouraging feedback from the outer world. To my surprise, most people in our culture are in fear of over-tending to their young and have thus projected a myriad of judgment upon me, shaking the vulnerable foundation of my new mamahood. The judgment i felt from others, and the not fitting in with other mamas i know, weighed heavy on me at times. Despite my instincts and convictions, it had me full of self doubt more often then i care to admit. So i am proud to announce that the veil of confusion and shame that cloaked my mothering has fallen away and left in it’s place is a great deal of respect and appreciation for myself and my relationship to my motherly intuition. It’s not always easy to dance to the beat of your own drum, especially when your beat seems so far outside the main steam parade. For many years now my inner mantra has been to “let my freak flag fly”, to not be afraid to be who i am. And so the journey of my most authentic self continues to unravel and now i have even more motivation to grow and be true. Isn’t that what we want for our children? How will they know it’s okay to be themselves if we aren’t fully ourselves? How will they know radical acceptance if we don’t lead by example, if we hold back?
As it so happens, Veda won’t be the only one *WALKING* away from this year with a new groove. We will be the two girls dancing freely along the path with our eyes closed, lost in the rhythm, like no one is watching.
This is a big year for us all. Every human alive is either quantum leaping or dying inside the self imposed cocoon this year. Paradigm shifting is well underway and 12/21/12, the winter solstice, marks a HUGE cosmic shift that we have been hurdling to and through for the past year. The dawn of Aquarius. If you are feeling the pressure within and around you, take Yogi Bhajan’s words to heart. “When the time is on you, start, and the pressure will be off.” Whatever “start” means to you, do it! Do it for you, and do it for your children. For anything you don’t work through, they will have to. That’s how lineages work. The energy of your unhealed, unprocessed stuff seeps down into your seeds. We all have our own karma but when we don’t take responsibility for it, we end up passing it along. And right now, with the cosmos being so super charged, particularly this week with a full moon in Gemini/lunar eclipse, it’s a good time to check yourself. The stars are aligned and the universe will support your evolution. Now is the time. Now is the time. The time is now. There is only now. Don’t wait another moment to work through that thing that has been subtly or not so subtly nagging you. The angels have told me that we have to discover our “heart-maps”. I have found that the only way to really dig into our hearts’ map is to clear out the weeds and then surrender till you can’t surrender no more. Rinse and repeat. Don’t be afraid to loose your footing, there’s always a new rhythm awaiting you.