So… I’m “Mommy” now. It literally hurts my heart a little bit to have to embrace and acknowledge this. Mama was her first word. Mama is my name. Or at least it was. I feel like my 2 year old just changed my legal name. I feel like my resonate identity as a mother is being ripped away from me. Suddenly I’m mommy. No offense to the other “Mommies” out there, it just doesn’t feel like me. And I tried, somewhat half-heartedly (because it seemed wrong to deprive her of this evolution that she was so insistent on) to dissuade her, to let her know that her mommy’s name was “MAMA”. But it’s a losing battle, I’m afraid. She cries for Mommy now in her sleep. I think I’m finally having to accept, likely for the first of countless times on this long and winding road of parenthood, that I must let go of what I want or feel good about in favor of this beings unique unfolding, changing needs and personal truth. It never really felt right for me to correct her about my name but I tried for a while because the pain of letting go of mama and all that she represents for me is actually pretty hard.
But here we are, months away from starting preschool, casually calling me mommy, and sometimes forgetting to nurse during the few allotted times we still do each day (though she still says that mama’s milk is the best food there is). She’s growing up. No more baby. I can see it so clearly in so many ways how she is straddling the worlds of babyhood and kid. I can feel the word and concept of “I” lingering at the back of her throat, so close to manifesting itself in her development.
Holding space for their growth means constantly adjusting to new and ever changing needs, psychological altitudes and emotional climates.
Conscious evolution is a constant series of giving up who you are for who you can become. At least that has been my experience for the past 13 years. To continue to evolve consciously we must keep letting go of anything and everything that holds us back in our own development. Often that means giving up the comfort of who we know ourself to be- letting go of old stories, ideas and beliefs that no longer serve us- in order to access the initially uncomfortable unknown of who we can become. I suppose it is no different whether you are two or twenty or thirty-one years old. Evolution is the same. She is becoming new all the time. And today I, or should I say “Mama”, is surrendering. Mama versus Mommy feels 50/50 on some days, and other days she doesn’t utter a mommy even once. This is more about surrendering my attachment to being seen as just this one particular vessel or remaining at this specific altitude. Because it’s ever changing and as with life, my job is to flow with the current of change for I could never know the significance of this phase or change is for her overall development.
Moon is incarnating into her own self more and more each day. Having reoriented not just my life but actually my selfhood in order to be her center of gravity these past years, I too am going through this transmutation. As she pushes and pulls, stands up and stretches out, I too am being rocked. I too am going to have to give up who I’ve been for who I am becoming in this relationship/role.
I’m starting to see that the sacred role of a mother is ultimately to be a master shapeshifter. I am not just mama. I am MOTHER and MOTHER is a guide- one who can transform into a boat when the tides rise, into a plow when the grasses sway, into a rocket-ship when the dimensions are shifting and into the roots of a 1000 year old sequoia tree when the tectonic plates of your child’s existence are rearranging.
It is with a heavy heart and a strong center that I take a deep breath and release my role as Mama. Deeply humbled, I know that Mama has served her divine purpose. And while mama still lingers in the air and off the tongue of my dear beautiful Moon, I let go of any agenda or attachment to her. I know I need to go with the flow. No good ever comes from damming the river or fighting upstream. I trust that Moons new need to call me Mommy has many meanings that are a natural, healthy and most of all vital aspect in her development. Seems like a simple thing, but there is little that is simple about human beings and their growth. I now open to learning about how Mommy is meant to serve and guide this Moon on the next leg of her journey. Sniff.
*Update: The following day after posting this, after I truly surrendered, I went back to being mama. Haven’t heard more then an out of the blue “mommy” since… Ah, two year olds!! So sensitive, attuned, oppositional and cheeky! Lesson learned. Again.